I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Randomize
