Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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