he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
