Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
