She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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