Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize