4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
