last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
