so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
