dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
