nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
