Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
