So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
time to smoke my breakfast
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
