so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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