I'm lost and stupid without you.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
