someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
