This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
