I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
