Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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