this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
