i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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