He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
