hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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