I think I won the penis lottery.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
