Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
