I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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