thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize