sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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