just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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