i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
