I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
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