He disabled his match.com account in front of me
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
