I just pynch a tree in the face
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
