Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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