If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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