I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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