How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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