I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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