Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
