It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
