Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
