just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
