Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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