When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
