sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
