Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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