I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize