Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
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