I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
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