How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
The police scanner is talking about you again....
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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