I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
