I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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