So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
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