He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
