Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
