I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
