The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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